Half Decade of Learning

Hi again avid followers, newcomers, future exes and my future husband, 

I’m in recovery, as some just out of a relationship would say, but I am in fact – in recovery. After a half decade of putting my ever breaking heart on the line I have decided that I have had enough. And the kicker—

He’s moved on. Already. Almost 5 years, half of my 20s and he has already moved on. She’s 18, works at McDonald's and probably has a tight ass and likes to get laid non-stop. Jealous? Maybe a little, but I also think the situation is beyond hilarious.

Blue-eyed devil would promise the world. 

• He says, “I love you, I think it is time I actually try”. 
• He says, “This is exactly what I want”. 
• He says, “I would hate to lose you”. 
• He says, “If you are looking for a future there isn’t one for us”. 
• He says, “I met someone else”.
• He says, “I miss you. Let’s make things right again”.
• Finally he says, “I never said any of that.”

I am beyond words and all I have been able to say recently is “I just can’t” and that seems to be the best way to put it.  

Well my loves (and possible hates), he has been blocked. Deleted, erased from my world all together. I sat with one of my very good friends and coffee date and she watched as I blocked his number, blocked his facebook, and unfollowed his twitter.

And I cried. I cried not because I was sad or hurt or empty. I felt relieved. It was felt like my heart and brain finally connected and I was completely happy. 

For the first time in almost 5 years I was really happy. 

So now I am really back! Back to get out there... ready to read terrible emails, Swipe right to like, screen shot ridiculous men and move on. 

Wish me luck and check back soon for my crazy updates!

XOXO
**ME**

Dealing With His Ex

Hi again avid followers, newcomers, future exes and my future husband, 

Girl meets guy. Things go great, amazing maybe. Great times hanging out, amazing conversation and equally as amazing sex. She thinks, HOW could any of this go bad? 

Enter Crazy Ex

My recent encounter with said "creature"? Nightmare!

How could it be that bad, you ask? The blue-eyed devil and I woke up at 6 am randomly and he, suddenly being Mr. Romantical, thought breakfast in bed would be a great idea. I, of course, did not fight this idea since it included my two favorite things on a Saturday morning. Breakfast and bed. I mean seriously at that time in the morning what would you rather be doing? 

(If you say "working out" you are a liar and I already hate your skinny ass) 

Blue-eyed devil went out to his car and drove to the diner (I said he was being romantical not a chef...trust me this was a wise decision). In a split second as he pulls around the corner a car screams by his place... 

• by car I mean Crazy Hot Mess Express 
• by scream I mean she literally SCREAMED out her window. 

Yes, his ex, drove to his place at 6 in the morning... sigh... like a nasty little snake stalking a poor unsuspecting mouse and POW! Poor mouse never had a chance. 

What Happens next?

After waiting for him to get back (which felt like hours but was only 20 minutes) I couldn't eat and was visibly upset. 

And when he got back?

I was already packing when he got in and We hashed it out. No screaming but there was tears on both ends. 

What was she doing stalking you? 

         She has been calling me all week. I answered. All she does is scream and cry that I shouldn't be back with you. 

What did she say?

        She was waiting down the street and saw your car. She followed me to the gas station, giant parking lot and then to the apartment complex down the street where she parked next to me and just screamed. By the way, she hates you and you will pay.

What's next?

        Restraining order... maybe we both should get one. 

Seriously? 

Okay, listen up. We, as the searchers of love, should not have to put up with this crap. Now I have had my share of cray cray moments like.... searching his place for the sign of cheating and deleting messages on his cell. BUT I have fessed up and we have moved on from that. 

• Please ex-ladies and gentlemen... Put away your crazy! 

• Future love... SHOW ME THE EX-FAX! I need you to ensure any left-over hot mess expresses will not show up at any point in time and make me question what I am doing with you. 

How do I plan on dealing further?

Pretending that creature doesn't exist and continue to be happy. Trust me it is easier then you think. 

I welcome any and all crazy exes to cross my path. After this monster I doubt I will have trouble with any of you. 

Kisses

XOXO 

*ME*

PS... Blue-eyed devil's deadline is approaching. May 31th shit or get off the pot. Figure it out. In or Out. Either I am in his life or not. But... I am thinking of extending this "deadline"... I can't help it. I love him, I am not his boss. 

Trying to Find Love... While still living at home

Hi again avid followers, newcomers, future exes and my future husband,

"You're going to be 30 and you still live at home"

Face it. The majority of us out there are trying to overcome this statement, whether it be personally or towards your intended "other". So what is the young 30-somethings views on this? Until recently I was rocking the living at home with mommy and daddy vibe... until I realized, I live at home AND I am going to be 30. 

Why? 

Most people will ask this question. It was easy and well my parents are pretty cool. College/University, face it, it is not going to get any cheaper and the longer to stay or the farther you advance those loans add up. Unless, you are the lucky few who never had to take out loans in the first place. It is a unpleasant task of seeing hard earned money go back into the hands of these student loan companies ::cough cough Sallie Mae:: but to move on with our lives we need to pay them off... and smile as we do it.  I had to ask myself this: Why am I still living at home when just like some amazing friends I have with loans of their own are out decorating their apartments and making dinners for their own man-ventures/boyfriends/husbands! 

How?

How did a 30-something get this far in the dating world with some serious man-ventures. Easy, I dated men who lived alone. The exception to this rule was the blue-eyed devil and well 4 years later, he has his own place, you see where that has gotten me... 

But again, Why?!

As I said, I love my parents but they can be worse then roommates and yes, even that stinky weird college roommate we all had. Currently, it is the dictating of my life. Where am I going? Who with? When will I be home? How much money are you saving? WE can do your finances...  And the blow of all blows... IF you are going out with Blue-Eyed Devil, you are out! OUT! Actually the quote was "I FORBID YOU to see him". So, my lovely readers I was at a crossroads... I actually drove to Blue-Eyed Devils apartment in tears and told him with a heavy heart I could not see him anymore. Cried for another hour as he tried to calm me down then cried all the way home... great right?

AND THEN I WOKE UP...

It began to set in that it didn't matter

1) If they didn't want me to see him, if I wanted to I would. Again, going to be 30. 

2) I will never get anywhere if I hear constantly bad things about ANY guy I go out with 

and

3) Hey, silly grown girl-child, time to stop bitching and complaining. Get your shit together and move on with your life. There are people living on less. 

Dating and living at home can be done, but we all need to find our own happiness. Not be happy because others are telling us how to feel. 

Followers-- Each and every one of us is on a different journey and we can't expect everyone to understand our own. The Mother of two to understand the 36-year old single and rocking it, or the forever married friend to understand the girl who just cant seem to find the right guy even though she has met all their friends, or the new divorcee to understand the fresh crazy love relationship of another. The wonderful AMAZING friends who have your back but offer solid words of advice even though you keep running back to the retard who can't seem to realize how good he has it (thanks girls--xo hot mess express).

I am giving myself a year to get my shit together. My journey has just begun. 

How will you start yours?

XOXO

**ME**

Question -- What do you look for in a man?

Hi again avid followers, newcomers, future exes and my future husband,

"What do you look for in a man?"

This seems to be one of the first thing I am always asked when going through the brutal task of online dating site question and answers. 

My answer?  Do you want the cookie cutter version or what I really want to say... I will give you both. 

Cookie cutter

Someguy123: What do you look for in a man?

Desperately_looking (aka ME): I like an intelligent guy. Someone who can teach me things but also likes to learn from me. A nice guy (cough cough) who likes adventure. I like tall, athletic guys with a nice smile and preferably older than I am. But, looks don't matter all that much as long as he makes me laugh.

What I really want to say
Dreamguy16: Hey, what do you look for in a man?

Yourfuturewifey: A strong man. A man who loves his job no matter what that job is... I really want someone who will challenge my intelligence and I can do the same for him. Someone tall... blue eyes and dark hair are a plus! I need someone with a strong sex drive and who wants to experiment and enjoy every inch of our bodies (Yes, I am aware that sounds slutty). A man to enjoy watching sports with, eating terrible food and drinking vodka, but will also work out with me. I want a good man... a man that can look at me in the crazy hours of the morning and tell me I am beautiful. Someone that I can fight with, who can hold his own in an argument and we'd still find our way back into each-others arms.

What I really want to say is that I already have that guy... had that guy and he can't be what I need him to be.

Faithful. Selfless. Committed. 

Sometimes, what you want and what you need have to be two completely different things.

XOXO
**ME**

Where are they now?

Hi again avid followers, newcomers, future exes and my future husband,

Similar to a VH1 special of ex TV and movie stars who have seemed to just disappear I began to wonder the same about my ex-manventures and conquests. It has been 6 years since I have been battling the single life and on-line dating...

Here I am..
29 years old and in an on-again off-again relationship with of 4 years with a man that is afraid of commitment, but not afraid of seeing if there is anything better out there. I can't explain anymore why I put myself through it, but as I sit around while he is in Florida I began to wonder what happened to all those other guys... the ones that got away.

Here is an update on those who I could locate. (Thank you facebook for the updates)

 Level 10 clinger: My very first manventure has been happily in a relationship since 2012. No ring on it though!

The Marine: Currently a bartender and possibly still single. But I think that ship has sailed.

The Financial Analyst: This one actually went on a date with a girl I was once friends with... it didn't work out. He is still working the dating site world.

The teacher: ohhhh the teacher... I saw him a few times with things were not working out with the blue-eyed devil. But not more then 2 months ago he took himself off the market and off my facebook friend list. Engaged to the girl he met after me. Oh well.

Grey T-shirt Guy: I honestly wish I had my head on straight for this winner -- said no girl ever -- this loser runs in and around my newly open circle of friends. He is engaged (poor girl) and still as sleazy as ever. Not a loss here!

Mr. Dimples: Him and his creepy cat "Cookie" as still single. The last I heard from him was this New Years Eve. No thanks! BYE!

Cougar (my little cub RAWR): Is now a baby daddy and engaged! DUMB... so much for a back-up plan.

And the others? I have no idea what happened to them; however, they were all good men. If they weren't they would have never ended up on even one date with me.

Now I have a choice. Get back on the dating site train and say good-bye to the blue-eyed devil or I truck on... stick it out... be patient

I may never really be able to give up on him.

XOXO
**ME**

Get Caught Up!

Hi again avid followers, newcomers, future exes and my future husband,

The last 4 years has really been a whirlwind of love and heartache. I wish I could have shared all of those moments with you, but I was too caught up in falling in love and having my heart broken by the same person to even blog.

Who is this mystery man who stole, broke and is repairing my heart? He is the one guy you shouldn't be with, seriously. My head tells me to run. RUN FAR! But the heart is something different. He’s self-centered, but caring. An organized mess. Unfaithful, but completely honest. And I couldn't see myself with anyone else. It’s a beautiful disaster.

Why do I do it? Don't I believe I deserve better? I know I deserve better, but I also know he is the one that makes my heart beat and palms sweet. Anyway, the last 4 years was an adventure of working out together, playing tennis... impromptu night trips to New York, multiple professional sports games, casino trips, weekends in Chicago and Philly and the most perfect birthday surprises in the world. Trips and sex do not make a relationship, but I have always felt like my best self around him. Some call it "comfortable", like it is a bad thing. I feel in lust with him fast and in love with him faster. However, my blue-eyed devil is also a self-pleasing man-whore. Our bad times included the work whore, the crazy bitch, Ms. Fed-ex and currently cat-woman. I like to refer to them as the others. And then there was always me... us. I know this all sounds like complete garbage, like I said before, I should run to the hills and not look back. I always look back and there he is with his arms open, stunning blue eyes and the magically words

"I miss you, I made a terrible mistake."

His "others"

1) The work whore - Met him the same time as I did. She thought it took 12 months to have a baby and burnt a oven ready pizza. She thought she was the only one, it was a little comical. I guess I wasn't always a saint forgetting strategically placed earrings and underwear at his place. She didn't last long, but I did.

2) The crazy bitch - I could right an entire entry about this one and I will. For the last two years she has been trying to sneak her drug hazed ass into his life... sometimes succeeding, but mostly failing. I will explain further soon because there is A LOT of issues with her.

3) Fed-Ex - She lasted all but 6 months before the blue-eyed devil realized she was nothing he needed. Leaving packages on his doorstep on days when I was coming over. My favorite was the cupcake she once left. My text to him went something like

"You just received a package on your front door. I hope it is a bomb because I just put it in the trash"

4) Cat woman - Most recently... which sadly has broken my heart. I can only say I see myself in this woman. She has fallen for the blue-eyed devil just as hard as I have and I know she won't last...

The thing is.... what all these women have in common is they do not know about me. This is stupid, I know, but the blue-eyed devil and I are not in a committed relationship and never have been. We love each other, yes... but he is not ready to an exclusive relationship. For most of you this is an outrage! How could I ever be okay with this?! How could my heart not be broken!? The answer is the for both I am not okay and it is always broken. 

Yet, I find myself stuck, because I see myself with no one else and believe me I have tried!! But... I will leave that for my next blog entry.

XOXO
**ME**

Merry Christmas

Hi again avid followers, newcomers, future exes and my future husband, 

This Christmas amazing things have been happening. Rekindling the magic of an old love for one... something that may or may not be a good thing. The one thing I know I must do is follow my heart and that is something  not all of you may agree with. 

I have put off trying any online dating sites during the holidays because of the following:

1. Guys are lonely and desperate 
2. My heart isn't in it
3. THE SAME OLD SHIT. 

What is the same old shit? 

The same guys that have contacted me in the past. 

        Just because you have a beard now does not mean I want to ride it. 

Do you have any other pictures?

        I have 10 that are frequently updated. I refuse to send you titty shots so please. Stop. Do us all a favor and stop. 

Have I seen you around before? 

        Uh... maybe? But if you are so interested in me behind a computer screen I highly doubt you will be that interesting in person. Grow balls, be a man and introduce yourself.

Does it get any easier? Am I doomed to be the single friend forever? It comes so fucking easy for everyone else. 

I miss my blue-eyed devil. The fights, the making up... making out, his smile, his intellect, how he challenges me. But round 5 with the same guy? Not sure I have much more patience left. And I know it is wrong, but it feels so right!

Dear Santa,

I want him for Christmas.

Love, 

XOXO

**ME**

 

Insomnia because of him

Hi again avid followers, newcomers, future exes and my future husband,

Really? Really?!? Can't a girl just move on and not get texts from you at 1:30 in the morning! 

And now my heart is sunk, my hands are shaking and I can't think. But, my dear supportive readers, I will not respond. I must not. I need to move on. Somehow, I must move on. 

XOXO 

**ME**

Boomerang

Hi again avid followers, newcomers, future exes and my future husband, 

I fell in love. 

I fell in love and then my entire world crashed on me. There is no easy way to say what happened, in fact, it was a 4 year long process of giving everything to the one man who would just take and take and take. 

I fell in love and now I hate him with the same amount of passion that I loved him with. 

Why Boomerang? Well, for those of you to know who I really am, would all agree it is the perfect analogy for who I am with him. The most perfect boomerang. His favorite toy. He would toss me... no, throw me far and just like a boomerang I would come back to him. It was always like this, but with blind love I always refused to see it.  

So with a heavy, but open heart I welcome you all back. I can't promise my manventures are going to be half as exciting as they once were, but they will be a new step into the future.


XOXO

ME

Just like that... He's Back

Hi again avid followers, newcomers, future exes and my future husband,
(This blog was in draft and has been back-dated and FINALLY published! xoxo **ME**)

I came home from work to this on good old Facebook. 

Of course I want to see him... But should I? No! Screams the smart, logical women in my body that has come down with the heart of a 12 year old girl falling in 'lust' for the first time. 

We all know what this hopeless romantic will do... 

XOXO

**ME**

The first heartbreak AKA the night of the wild grapes

Hi again avid followers, newcomers, future exes and my future husband, 
(This blog was in draft and has been back-dated and FINALLY published! xoxo **ME**)

I wish I could say this was the most perfect 24hrs... but I would be lying and I would never blog about anything that wasn't true...

We had plans last night... Blue-Eyed Devil and I for the evening. Going to a quarter bingo event (basically each card is a quarter and you play bingo for the night) followed by a local bar and watching a movie and cuddling at the end of the night. The perfect date night. Being together.

What happened set us up for the worst possible scenario... It's hard even now not to cry as I am relaying this to you, because in fact... even in two months I have fallen hard for the Blue-Eyed Devil. I am absolutely in love and I'm not sure what to do right now.

I got to his place late which made us late for bingo and they were sold out of cards. Immediately, he was pissed because I didn't need to put on makeup or change clothes or stop for money. Okay, okay so how about we just go out for a nice dinner and forget about missing BINGO it is only BINGO! But no, no now he wants to go to the horse track... which we do almost every weekend. But first vodka! Of course he decides to get grape vodka... he knows I hate grape vodka (I have just decided this will be forever known as the night of wild grapes)

As the vodka flowed and we started getting emotional and down right wasted. The blue-eyed devil told me that he would ever love he... he could never love me. I brought up having sex earlier that day and that why else would we be where we were at (meeting each-others families and spending almost every waking moment together). I was drunk and he told me to leave... I would never be the one he could or would love and with a heated moment he gave me the finger and told me to fuck off.

I left and called wonder-boy. My old fling and gorgeous young guy. I went over his place and he just let me cry in his arms til I fell asleep. It's a shame we never did work out, but he was the one guy who I was truly able to count on when I needed him.

Today I got the following messages from the blue-eyed devil and I want to hold strong... I mean what else can I do? I need to move on, like I was able to from all the others, yet... I'm not sure I can or want too. It's that electric attraction...

Until next time.

XOXO

**ME**

Falling Fast and Hard

Hi again avid followers, newcomers, future exes and my future husband, 
(This blog was in draft and has been back-dated and FINALLY published! xoxo **ME**)

Things have been going amazing with the blue-eyed devil! We see each-other almost every day and it really seems to be we are connected! Things we have in common you ask? Same birth month, favorite sports teams (a must), love of awesome food, vodka and sex... especially the sex! Every time we see each other it is that electric connection I had first told you about. When he touches me my whole body is on fire and I just want him more each time. I'll go with lust for now... no need to drop any "L" words!

Favorite date-outings in the past month?

•  Our 2nd date (the day after the first) to a Italian restaurant. We had chicken parm, drank wine and talked about where we wanted to be in the next year.  
• Beer tasting at a local bar
• Sneaking vodka into the race track and betting on the pony's 
• Meeting his amazing friends
• A surprise get-a-way trip to New York full of snowball fights
• Date night where we drove around for an hour and found a cute hidden restaurant. We were completely under-dressed and they were out of most of the entrees we wanted, but it couldn't have been more perfect. 

Least favorite....

My friends hate him. He's loud, overbearing and really doesn't take the time to think before he speaks. They say he took advantage of me when I offered to buy the drinks when we were out... which I could understand but, we had gone on many dates before that... each of all he paid far more then I did. It's the 21st century and I guess I didn't mind catering to him. But... my friends hate him and I am absolutely head over heels! 

We are going to start playing tennis together and working out :) 

He makes me happy. Finally, I am happy. 

XOXO 

**ME**

Tall, dark and handsome

Hi again avid followers, newcomers, future ex's and my future husband, 
(This blog was in draft and has been back-dated and FINALLY published! xo **ME**)

My palms are sweating. Shaking and sweating. 

It's 11pm, cold and I sat in my car staring at my cellphone. Earlier that day and week I began messaging with a new manventure. Have I ever told you how much I love that word?! Because that is all they are anymore... an adventure without the promise of a future. Tonight, I am actually excited for one of my manventures. He wanted me to meet him at a local dive bar, the type of bar I would usually never gone to unless I was completely trashed. 

Let me set up my outfit for you... I should have taken pictures! So I am in brown tights, maroon colored dress, cream cardigan and uggs... walking into a bar that girls dressed like me usually would not normally be seen.

Blue-eyed Devil: Jeans and a blue football jersey... with the bluest eyes, dark brown hair and a smile that made me melt as soon as I sat down. 

He had a gin and tonic (my choice of poison) waiting for me and as we talked I played with the straw and stirred it nervously. The last time I felt this way? Probably the Marine... but he was long gone and my feelings for him had since faded. But soon enough the nerves stopped and we made up stories about the characters at the bar; a strange man who looked like a train conductor and his side-kick that may or may not be named Tonto and a young couple seated at the bar who said far too many "I love you's". The drinks flowed and I didn't want to leave... 

What did I do?! The tell all of infamous dates... we arm-wrestled. Seriously, at our little corner bar table we arm-wrestled. Of course, I mostly did it to touch him and it was electric. That touch that in the back of your mind you wake-up and think... SO THIS IS WHAT IT SHOULD FEEL LIKE!

The results? I won, so like anyone who would win arm wrestling after two okay three gin and tonics I went home with him. 

The sex was amazing and I want to see him again. We already have a second date lined up. 

I'm excited and totally in like with this blue-eyed devil. 

XOXO
**ME**